Which is Worse?
My take on the April edition of a popular magazine’s practical answers to the following questions. Consider yourself a bonus Jody-advice-winner this week…but I wouldn’t.
Which is Worse?
Having a drink every night or having several on Saturday night?
Having several drinks every night is worse…or so I hear. Although I think technically you can get into a lot more trouble after seven drinks in one night rather than one on sporadic nights. There is such a more likely possibility of poor decision making via one night of binge drinking. DUIs and eating an entire bag of chips covered in mustard are two of my favorites.
Forgetting to floss or forgetting to brush?
Forgetting to brush. Surface clean is all that matters to me. Also applies to vacuuming under the furniture. Not necessary. Or shaving above the knee.
Ke$ha or Nickleback?
Yes.
Staying up really late on Friday nights or getting an hour less sleep every night?
I’ve read that the latter is worse. According to me and my insomnia, if you can sleep at night for four to six hours on a regular basis, I hate you and I don’t care.
Having one long-term affair, or many random partners while married/involved with another?
These days, you can simply blame a sex addiction either way. So I guess they’re really both OK?
Enduring a bad co-worker relationship or enduring a poor personal relationship?
In my opinion, there’s no time for hating the things you are supposed to love.
Having a dirty kitchen or a dirty bathroom?
Apparently a lot more sickness-inducing bacteria resides in a kitchen than in a bathroom. But I live under the philosophy of “if you can’t see it, smell it or taste it, it’s probably fine.”
Dear Jody,
How do I break the pattern of dating men like my dad?
Dear Precious-Angel-Cake,
You’re gonna have to date it out. There is no other way. Eventually you WILL tire of dating stubborn, golf-loving, drunks with no regard for your feelings, but the daddy complex dies hard. And slow.
One co-dependent behavior that may help you is to develop an obsessive complex about another family member that you may or may not have.
I am currently nursing a big brother obsession in order to mask the decade-long-dysfunctional relationships I’ve had with men identical to my dad.
Nope, I never had a big brother. I have two amazing younger sisters as everyone knows, but I always wanted a brother. So now I am constantly seeking brotherdom in my male friends.
Maybe you never had a sister? Gay Uncle?
Find one somewhere and latch on tight, because loving men who are bad for you is far more damaging in life. I find that my surrogate brothers—Brian, Josh and Rick—are way better at teasing and drinking anyway.
Dear Jody,
You seem to keep up with sports. What can we expect from March Madness?
Dear Who’s-Your-Team-and-Why-Do-You-Ask??
I keep up with sports as much a girl can while still following Old Navy fashion, Angelina, the ever-changing definition of house music, Funny or Die and Brian Williams’ NBC Nightly News. Yes, I know the difference between Zone and Man-to-Man defense. I know which teams are in what conference. Sort of.
And I know March Madness is awesome. I think it makes a sports fan out of out of the least likely of people. Emily Suhrheinrich, grandmas, William Sledd, Nikki May (OK not Nikki) to name a few.
Everyone has brackets and…hope.
So cute.
I think it’s more likely that you will be eaten by your own dog than to fill out a tournament bracket 100 percent correctly. I know I am convinced every year that I have picked every game correctly in 1 of the 5-7 brackets I fill out.
I know Indiana basketball blows major…private parts this year. I know Kentucky is stupid and good. And I know Louisville is somewhere in the middle.
I look for Kansas to win it all because I cannot even entertain the thought of No. 3 Purdue winning a championship. That’s like worse than death where I’m from.
One step above death would be Kentucky winning it all, which means they will probably win it all or I will die in March.
Let’s go Cubbies? Crap.
Dear Jody,
What are you giving up for lent?
Dear Person-Who-Doesn’t-Know-Me-Very-Well-And-Will-Soon-Regret-Trying,
What. Am. I. Giving. Up. For. Lent? Great question. I’m all for the principle of going without in order to appreciate what you have, buuuut I only need a couple of days to understand that I’ve got it pretty good.
I remember talking to a woman in a powerless Walgreens during the Ice Storm. She was so kindly reminding me, “It’s good to have these times so we remember how fortunate we are.” And I remember blinking at her once through my dirt-streaked-eyes and seven hats and saying, “I’m grateful NOW. I’d like my water to quit freezing on my coffee table.”
I did agree, four days prior.
However, I’ll tell you what I am NOT giving up (on) for Lent as a special-reverse-bonus answer…. I REFUSE to give up alcohol, Celebrity Apprentice, snooping, Ambien, jealousy, dirty jokes, Lady Gaga, caring too much, caring too little, Walgreens, Twitter, confusion, Gene, The Cubs, bartending, this column (sorry), bitterness, love, hate, cheese, Health Care, wine, beer, boats, alcohol, my cat, forgiveness and dancing in venues normally not considered appropriate for dancing.
I will be giving up winter, Rock of Love, guilt, fuzzy socks, Yoga, complacency, all dairy except for cheese, size two jeans, sleep, smoking (unless it’s socially?), pants, shoes, preconceived notions, Sonic and anything else that ends up being bad for me in a repeated fashion 1-48 hours after partaking.
Love,
Your Only Begotten Advice Columnist
Dear Jody,
What is it with men and the lack of a listening gene?!
Dear SirMadam,
After tucking a few more relationships under my pillow, it still never ceases to amaze me at the rate at which men can NOT listen.
Contrariwise I am absolutely blown away at the rate women seem to remember things AND STILL EXPECT MEN TO REMEMBER THE MOST INCONSEQUENTIAL NONSENSE.
Now, I believe both of these traits come with the equipment, so let’s don’t waste time arguing who’s better and just be honest:
WOMEN ARE SMARTER THAN THIS!!! STOP EXPECTING HIM TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU GOT YOUR HAIR CUT! OR THAT YOUR MOTHER ATE LUNCH AT APPLEBEES THE OTHER DAY!!
I LIKE CAPS LOCK AND I REFUSE TO APOLOGIZE…. AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
Women, this mundane activity is not important. Men, this mundane activity is important to women. Like golf?
Both, do unto others and teach your children well—all that jazz. Surprise one another and do the other thing your partner does not expect you to do.
Dear Jody,
What does my girlfriend REALLY want for Valentine’s Day?
Dear-oddly-yet-conveniently-timed-question-asker,
This is exactly the kind of question I should never answer. I’m not much of a girl. I hate stuffed animals, flowers are OK, I eat chocolate every day and I’m really good at losing any form of jewelry.
That being said, I’m about to go major-girl on you (it’s that kind of column—yes).
Women want you to act like it’s Valentine’s Day more than one day a year.
It’s that simple.
If you’ve been a good boy or girl and surprised your lover with special tokens of affection year-round, you should be good with a nice card (vastly underrated in my book) and some roses. Maybe a mixed tape. Or a kitty.
If you have slacked on this particular aspect of your relationship, DO NOT settle for a heart-shaped box of crappy candy. Dinner is in order WITH GIFT. A massage or weekend away is always appropriate. You have some making up to do. Especially if you want to have a good time watching The Raiders play the Kentucky Wildcats at that Super Bowl party.
Women—don’t be such women. Appreciate whatever your partner does for you unless it’s nothing.
Partners—and frankly, in this case I’m mainly talking to you, men—don’t do nothing.
And single people, quit crying and be glad you don’t have to deal with this mess.
Dear Jody,
Who should I bet on to win this year’s Super Bowl?
Dear Sports Fan,
My money is on the Oakland Raiders this year. Why? Because every time my sister, Emmy, references an NFL team (which so far has been twice in a lifetime) she always uses the Raiders as an example. Which means they must be good because for all she knows about sports, The Raiders could be a hockey team. I suspect it is the outlandish costumes their fans wear—she loves Tolkien.
If you are not a Raiders fan or do not believe that a team with a 5-11 record can even make the playoffs, I would bet on the Kentucky Wildcats basketball team. I am not particularly a fan but I hear they are doing well this year and it would be fun…er I mean…interesting to see if the Cats could survive a match against The Raiders?
If you’re looking for a long shot to win the celebrated commercial bowl, maybe try The Colts?
*Note: I do actually know at press time the Super Bowl contenders will be The Colts and the winner of the Vikings/Saints game, but like my sister I never stop dreaming, dreamers. Go Raiders.
Dear Jody,
I don’t get the American Idol craze. What’s with people and their obsession with that show? Is there something wrong with me?
Dear Wandering But Not Lost,
According to America, yes there is something wrong with you; according to me there is absolutely nothing wrong with your taste in television. I find this to be very common when it comes to things I like vs. what the mainstream likes. Always.
The hysteria that surrounds Idol will probably baffle me to the end of time, especially at the beginning of the season. I mean if I want to witness a group of crazy people with assorted weight problems attempt to shriek off-key before finally being soundly humiliated and leaving in tears—I’ll just have a Suhrheinrich Family Get-Together!!!
Now I am in no way innocent of watching trashy TV. I will watch Trash of Love all up and down VH1. But more people voting for Idol than the President??! Get Real, reality TV!!
Tell me something my level-headed friend, do you sing? Cause I don’t AT ALL (and I remind everyone at Russell’s of this daily as I meow along to the piano music) and maybe that’s why I don’t find this show enjoyable. I love dance shows. Fashion shows. Sports shows. Family shows—anything I can at least pretend to be good at.
But as for Idol, I’m with you. No thank you on the formation of a mass-produced pop sensation.
Dear Jody,
I would like your advice about boxed wine. My wife has grown fond of some of the newer (and quite good) boxes of wine. However, I am hung up on the container, not the liquid. It just seems to me that wine should come from a bottle, not a box. What, oh what, should I do?
Dear Fellow Wine-Addict,
Have you ever noticed leggings lately? Or fondue bars? Maybe the recent popularity of music made entirely by robots?
If you haven’t, you will still be able to come to the same conclusion that all other elderly people are constantly reminding us young folk—everything hip is cyclical and therefore completely treatable by an over-the-counter antibacterial ointment.
Right now you are thinking, “Nay, Jody, boxed wine was NEVER cool! Nor was it from the ‘80s. Nor the ‘70s. I’m not elderly?! I do like fondue…YOU’RE not young!! Is the cyclic that noticeable?!”
SSsssshhhh. You’re missing the point.
Your wife enjoys the steady, sweet flow of wine on a daily basis as much as you do. She procures it a-plenty, as if she were Jesus at a wedding. See where I’m going with this? I didn’t think so.
So bottom line: Bottles break. Are we saving those corks for any real reason? Those stupid cork boards don’t count. And finally, cubes really are the best shape. So stop it.
Think of your poor neighbors who would have to suffer without free wine if your lovely wife were to quit buying it?! THINK OF THE NEIGHBORS!!! So choke it down like the rest of us. Them. And appreciate.
Dear Jody,
I want to begin a fitness program that doesn’t seem so harsh. Do you have any tips that will help me actually follow through with staying healthy?
Dear Fellow-Slacker,
Of course I do. People like you and me are never going to succeed in life if we don’t learn how to cheat. Doing things the right way is so time-consuming. Especially when you have a full schedule of nothing important to do.
The bad news is you still have to eat right and exercise like all those new studies are telling us for the past 50 years. The good news is I know some tricks (in no way endorsed by any doctor or fitness expert).
Check it out:
- Begin a walking routine that varies between quiet neighborhood side roads and popular main roads.
In Paducah, for example, walk briskly through the side streets. Once you reach, say, Buckner Lane, break into a run. When you start to see spots or cease to breathe, dart back to the side streets.
Now crawl. Repeat.
With this method, everyone will say, “I see you running all the time!” And you feel awesome and runnerish.
- Reward yourself often, like even for small stuff. If you made it to the gym, go ahead and stop by Roof Brothers in your workout gear on your way home. They don’t mind and probably won’t laugh at you to your face. I know this because I only hear Micah and Herman snicker at my head-to-toe-Nike-ensemble-and-vodka belly AFTER I have at least opened the exit door.
- Even better, walk to the liquor store rather than drive. Use this method for grocery and fast food eateries also.
- Eat little bits of whatever you want. Just VERY LITTLE, but all the time.
- Do squats while eating that bowl of mac-n-cheese.
- And dance a lot.
Happy New Year, everyone!
