Fashion: Love It Or Hate It, It’s Still An Obsession

by Jody Suhrheinrich

I won’t deny that I regularly enter places of business dressed like a celebrity in disguise from the paparazzi. That’s me in a straw hat, oversized basketball shorts, men’s button-up shirt and snow boots.

But that’s just because I’m off my meds. Usually. Or Emmy Suh and I are staging an “I dare you to go out in public like this” contest.

I don’t always follow the rules but that doesn’t mean I don’t know them. Wow. I just summed up my whole life in this fall fashion piece…Eat. Pray. Love. Baloney. Anyway, please learn:

1. Skinny Jeans! WOMEN, Yes, You Can! MEN, We hope for change. I understand if you read that sentence and barfed a little. You’re over it. Can everyone wear normal pants, please? I get it. I was over them before they were in. Men, this judgment still stands and always will. But hear this, ladies of all sizes. I discovered something…something magical about skinny jeans…THEY ARE MADE OF SPANDEX! Sometimes it’s only a 10 percent elastic blend, but this means even short round people can wear pants! Of course tall skinny people look great in anything and they really don’t deserve to read this article, but those of us who must buy bigger sizes yet hem EVERY FRIGGIN’ PAIR OF JEANS can now rutch up the length on spandex pants and there’s plenty of give in the waist, hip and thigh area. Which brings me to my next topic of similar FASHION (yep, just pulled a pun, Carrie Bradshaw)…

2. JEGGINGS! Yes, I hate any trendy word created from two other words just as much as Talk Soup, BUT jeggings are incredible (jeans + leggings if you’re lagging behind today). And you can buy them at Wal Mart — no one can tell. There’s no pricey label on them or discriminating wash. They’re just jeans that are tights. Wear them with anything. Time out… Wear them with anything that is not as tight as tights. Big sweaters, button ups or flowy tops please. Cover your bum. We’ll talk about this again in 10 years on “I Love the 2000s” on VH1. Mock me now if you must, but I’m sick of ripping the crotch out of my regular jeans and pretending not to notice. My sister is sick of pretending also.

3. I LOVE SEASONS! You can’t start wearing the full fall line in July. Likewise, you cannot wear your bathing suit in February. I know the fashion world works 17 years in advance, but this faux pas is only allowed in imaginary worlds like New York City or Los Angeles. I was just as guilty with my back-to-school outfits as the two girls I saw walking home from Tilghman in new jeans, hoodies and boots the other day, mid-August! I was in the car blasting the Max AC in my underwear, still sweating. You MAY wear pieces from various seasons before the weather warrants them. A long sleeve button-up with shorts and sandals works for men and women. Ladies, you may wear that new strappy shirt in March WITH a cute blazer. Finally, if you insist on wearing a scarf when the weather is above 40 degrees: Match the severity of weight and print with the temperature. Until November, nothing more than a simple rayon, cotton or silk piece is allowed. You will survive the cold without nine yards of scarf wrapped around your neck.

4. It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. I’m not up to date on this season of Mad Men but I’m seeing the trends everywhere. Simple strong colors of good material such as wool serve a practical and stylish purpose. Pair most any hue with camel tones. Ladies, wear undergarments that strap it all in, everywhere. Men, cut your hair and wear decent shoes for Don’s sake! Everyone, chain smoke and drink scotch at the morning meeting, it brings about simple, decent ad copy. However, be warned blatant sexism does not carry over — hounds tooth and fedoras do.

5. One or Two Trends at a Time! Two MAX! Remember a few years ago when cropped pants AND small jackets were in? So many women looked like monkeys from the Wizard of Oz in their shrunken outfits. If you’re gonna trend out, wear at least seven so we know you’re doing it on purpose. The exception to this rule is of course Lady Gaga. She may wear the solar system.

Friends, I know these rules seem simple and many, but I’m not seeing results. To sum it all up remember these last few rules: When in outfit doubt, don a plain T, statement necklace OR shoes and end with good jeans. Guys never, never, never, NEVER wear skinny pants. You might as well parade around in panty hose, seriously. If wearing panty hose rather appeals to you, proceed. Avoid heels on the patio at The Star. I’ve even seen pros go down on those bricks. Splurge on decent shoes, pants and underoos. Save on jewelry, trendy tops and cotton dresses your cat could make.

Still not sure? Stay home. Or email me. Or JEANS. Or straw hat and basketball shorts.