By Jody Suhrheinrich

August 7, 2011

iDate Dos & Don’ts!

iDate. Delightful to read, helpful in theory. While some of us have taken our iDate interviews more seriously than others (if one more person purposefully plays Nickelback on a bar jukebox when I walk in…) I am a true believer that when one decides they are ready to get back out there, iDate is a good place to start (hint Twitter is not a good place to start).

However the outbreak of heartbreak in this town lately seems overwhelming, and also it isn’t curable by any sort of topical solution that I’m aware of. So as a seasoned breaker-upper and break-upee I feel it my duty to prepare you for the iPotential for heartache.

Here is your Jodyified guide to survival…yes SURVIVAL…

1. Smash every technological communication device you own to smithereens. Phones, computers – whatever else you crazy kids are using these days BREAK THEM.
   
   
2. Go to your doctor immediately. Medicate. Talk. Whatever. But medicate.
   
   
3. If you must have an immediate rebound affair, keep it to yourself. Always. If you don’t you will be cursed by an ex dangling his/her rebound affair in your face one day. And that’s how people get murdered.
   
   
4. Go out. The iList Paducah website offers all sorts of great things to go do.
   
   
5. Stay home more.
   
   
6. Do not under any circumstances “investigate” your ex’s whereabouts or going’s on. You will not like what you find out. In fact when your “friends” try to “help” you with snippets of gossip about your ex, either cover your ears, gag them or run away immediately.
   
   
7. That said confide in people you trust – people who aren’t gonna try and solve the problem with stupid-human-cliches. People who are going let you go bat-shit crazy, hold you, tell you to shut the eff up, love you, but above all make you laugh. Which leads me to…
   
   
8. Distractions, distractions, distractions. Do anything to distract yourself, preferably with humor. My very best friend and college roommate was a trained professional during one of my first particularly heartbreaking losses. With the slightest hint of my wobbly lip she would instantly have our dogs dressed up in their Halloween costumes (if a beagle in a witch hat doesn’t make you stop crying long enough to laugh, you are hopeless) or she would grab our biggest ugliest pairs of sunglasses, drag me to the car to go “day drinking in disguise”. Notorious B.I.G also played a huge role in the healing process at this time.  I miss Liz. Find your Liz. Or your mom. Your sisters will already be there. So will your cats. Use them wisely.
   
   
9. Contrariwise, wallow in it when there is no readily available distraction. Get in your bed, cry for hours. Ache. Feel. Release. I guarantee if you let yourself do this you will feel better for at LEAST five minutes afterwards.
   
   
10. If you followed rule #1 correctly I shouldn’t have to go over internet etiquette, but since almost no one ever does (self-included), look up your states’ cyber-stalking laws, they’re pretty intense these days. Save and back-up all evidence. Forever.
    
    
11. But remember your ex is probably doing the exact same thing should you choose to retaliate. So again, destroy all the technology in your home. Except your TV and DVD player. And your microwave. You’ll only be eating Hot Pockets for a while at best.
    
    
12. Once you find your way back to technology, read those iDates!
    
    
13. Finally to the Heartbreakers: Unless you are a robot, you, too, have been crushed by someone you loved once before. Remember. How. That. Feels.
    
    
14. To the heartbroken, it feels like someone died. I know. It will feel that way real hard bad for a few weeks, so just accept that. Try to maintain a minimal amount of damage to your criminal record. Because yes, it gets better, after a gut-wrenching month it gets better. Like a death, the sadness will still come in nauseating waves, but as gritted as my teeth are at imparting you with a cliche, like anything else difficult, it does get better with time. I know an hour in break-up time is like two days but in the meantime. Read this list. Stay off of Facebook. And anyone who tries to tell you “it’s for the best,” “you can do so much better” or “there’s other fish in the sea” – throw that phone you’ve been hopelessly staring at in their general direction.