Oh Yeah Dakota!

Here at iList Paducah’s iDate department, we’re committed to profiling Paducah’s most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in a funky yet sophisticated way that really does feel like that first date—without the potential awkwardness.  Dear readers, take note: it might just get a little awkward.  And unsophisticated.

For your viewing pleasure, iDate is serving up not one, not two, but THREE handsome fellas as this week’s offering.  These are not your average doctors, lawyers, or Indian chiefs, either.  Taken individually, they are Chris Black, Josh Cornelius, and Shelby Preklas.  Together, they are local blues rock band Oh Yeah Dakota!, and what follows is an interview born of Laura Duff’s supberb brisket, a bottle of Bacardi, a little Muddy Waters, a lot of cigarette smoke, and a set of questions taken directly from vintage episodes of the Dating Game.

For mystical reasons I could not fathom, our bachelors asked that they be identified only as Bachelors #1, #2, and #3, but I have permission to reveal their identities to any interested parties, should you, the reader, be wildly attracted to the answers herein. And I have a feeling you will be.

1. What is your favorite smell? Morning, noon, or night?

Bachelor #1: Noon, because I don’t like the smell of morning breath.
Bachelor #2: Morning, because I like it when my toothbrush smells like whiskey.
Bachelor #3: Morning, because I appreciate the smell of morning breath.  It gets me going.

2. If you were in charge of the world, what would you establish as the universal pastime?

Bachelor #2: Wow.
Bachelor #3: Drinking.
Bachelor #1: Frog giggin’.

3. Why should my mother like you?

Bachelor #3: Because I’m in the union and I have a real f@&!$#’ job.
Bachelor #1: Because I’m awesome.
Bachelor #2: Because her cookies are delicious.

4. Bachelor #2, look Bachelor #1 square in the eyes and make him a promise.

Bachelor #2 to #1: I promise you that from here on out my wet wash rag will never again hang in the wrong spot on the shower rod.

5. Why do girls love to kiss you?

Bachelor #1: Because I eat a lot of fried chicken.
Bachelor #3: First of all, who told you that?  Secondly, because I’m awesome at it.
Bachelor #2: Because they’re drunk.

6. Now fill in the blank: this may sound a little weird, but __________.

Bachelor #2: I don’t mind eating so much cheese that I won’t poop for a week.
Bachelor #3 What is this for?  This iDate thing?
Bachelor #1: My left sock has dog hair on it…

7. When you feel that you have to run free, where do you go and what do you do?

Bachelor #3: I sit in the dark and stare at the wall.
Bachelor #1: I go to Peddler’s Mall and just browse.
Bachelor #2: I go to Salem, IL and visit my parents. And then I leave.

8. What did you learn the last time you held a sexy woman in your arms?

Bachelor #2: Work is gonna suck tomorrow.
Bachelor #3: To let her go.
Bachelor #1: That Nickleback was right. About everything.

9. If you had to sleep at the zoo tonight, what cage would you want them to put you in?

Bachelor #1: Put me in the panda cage, because it took us 50 years to get them to figure out how to make one baby.
Bachelor #2: Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.
Bachelor #3: I would never sleep in a zoo. I have to have my own bed.

10. Tell me something about yourself that you’re afraid might not otherwise be revealed in the course of this interview?

Bachelor #3: I’m a convicted felon.
Bachelor #1: I have three legs, but one of them is only an inch long. 
Bachelor #2: Spiders.

11. What impresses you most about yourself?

Bachelor #1 My suave demeanor and unfailing vocabulary.
Bachelor #3: My incredible physique, and I got swag.
Bachelor #2: My super classy ponytail.

12. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be, and why?

Bachelor #3: I’d be a maple, because I’d want someone to look at me and say, “I’d tap that.”
Bachelor #2: A cypress. Because I’m coniferous.
Bachelor #1: I’d be a coconut tree, because its nuts are unbreakable.

13. I’m serving you for dinner.  What are you called, and what do you look like?

Bachelor #1: blank stare
Bachelor #2: Texas.
Bachelor #3: blank stare

14. Where were you last night when I needed you?

Bachelor #2: I would like to quote Jesus Jones and say, “Right here.  Right now.”
Bachelor #3: Asleep.
Bachelor #1: The bar.

If you want to prove to yourself that these gentlemen are not simply incomprehensible characters in a recently unearthed mythology, check them out live and in person on July 30th at the the final Live on Broadway of the year at the River Stage downtown!  The show is from 7 to 10 p.m. Get there early, ladies.  And try to remain calm.

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