book is in its second printing. Folks fight over the limited first editions on eBay, bidding more than $100 a copy!
Celebrating our area's four-legged, feathered and finned friendsThe Poop Scoop
Here’s a news flash: If you live ANYWHERE that involves walking your dog(s) off your own property, you clean up after your dogs. Of course you do! If you didn’t you would be either (a) living in the dark ages, or (b) lower than shower mold. Scum. Dead fish low.
We are sure that all of iList Paducah’s cooler than coolest awesome readers would NEVER leave their dogs’ doolies on their neighbors’ lawns, but did you know that the dogs have developed 10 Rules of Public Poopage?
Because they love us.
The Rules are followed religiously, and are added to, or expanded when needed for wondrous effect. They are:
1. Never waste a public poop. Plan wisely.
2. If your human speaks on the cell phone during your walk, poop. The human will enjoy juggling the phone, continuing the conversation and bagging the poop, one-handed.
3. If you are walking with human and dog friends, save your poop. They won’t be impressed. Keep your buttocks squeezed tight. Instead, you can sniff a spot, and when your dog friends sniff to see what you were sniffing you can pee, and oops there you go peeing right on your dog friend’s head!
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| Poop bags and holders available at Market@315, located at 315 Broadway! |
4. If your human has just de-pooped your entire yard before your walk, then BY ALL MEANS do not poop on your walk. Save it for the moment you step back into your yard. Your human loves having a Purpose in Life.
5. If it is rainy out, and your human refuses to make it stop, you have every right to poop in the dining room. This is especially true if the human has been cooking all day, is upstairs taking a shower not paying attention to your needs, and 30 humans are about to arrive at your house for dinner.
6. If your walk happens to take you Downtown, don’t take advantage of the landscaped areas; the humans expect this. Surprise and delight them by pooping right in the middle of the sidewalk. In front of a restaurant or a fancy boutique is a nice touch. This must be a stealth poop. No warning sniffing or positioning, or they will try to move you. Just stop, hunch and let ‘er rip! Yes, it’s easy for the human to bag it from the sidewalk, but the whole blushing effect is pleasing.
7. A full school bus of middle school children is a Must Poop Opportunity. This even calls for Simulpoops. Every dog on the walk is required to produce. You won’t believe the shrieks!
8. The Important Human Rule states that if you encounter a human big shot on your walk, you must poop, poop, poop! This includes, but is not limited to, Governors, Mayors, City Commissioners, Movie or Television Stars, CEOs (especially CEOs), and People Who Think They Are Important For Any Reason. Exempt are artists and writers because they are poor and riddled with self-doubt and most of them are dog people anyway. If they are Uppity About Dogs, or if they are deluded, then the exemption is null and void.
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| Poop candles available at Market@315, located at 315 Broadway! |
9. For a festive occasion like a charity run or a ribbon cutting, festive poop is called for. Ingestion of crayons, tin foil, antique pearl necklaces and/or brightly colored vinyl dog toys will do fine. Use your imagination! Make that poop sparkle!
10. Always save a little poop. When the human throws away the poop bag, go again. They feel useless and empty without a putrid poop bag in hand. And they learn to never, ever throw the last bag away.
And because we are the way we are, we have a bonus rule:
11. Whoa be unto the lame humans who don’t pick up after their dog anywhere in the city of Paducah including Noble Park, the Riverfront and their neighbors’ yards. They can be fined up to $1,000, and that will take a serious bite out of the biscuit budget.
